How I Got Out of My Own Way
In the first week of October 2021, I had the profound experience of what I am referring to as spirit pulling me out of my own way. Definitely a pull, all the way down from under the roots, spirit dug in and pulled me out of the way. Dig, dig, dig and finally plucked out. As if I’d become a giant beautiful overgrown weed choking the life out of the roses and lettuces, choking the drip irrigation system, blocking the sun.
“Up and out of the way,” spirit said.
“Time to open up the space for what you were meant to do and be. You were contracted at birth to be and do this, and while it might not be exactly in the way you want it, now is the time, and this is the path.”
(Cue You Can’t Always Get What You Want…the remix that I have danced to for hours that always shakes things loose)
Spirit came in the form of dear friends from the other side of the planet messaging me, calling me, appreciating me, missing me, loving me, inviting me to re-join the path, dare I say dance floor, that I stepped off of 16 months earlier.
Two years ago I was on the path to becoming a School of Movement Medicine (SOMM) Professional. I was accepted into the training after years of conscious dance practice and SOMM apprenticeship. I was beginning to form a plan of renting out my home while attending training in England and then staying on in Europe to offer practice teaching in a little village in Scotland that had begun to feel like home.
Back in January of 2020 I stepped into my 50th birthday on a SOMM dance floor, and felt perfectly woven into the tapestry of light that illuminated my dancing Movement Medicine colleagues, my soul cluster. With a well of trusted support, I was poised to step into a new training program, with some fear, but mostly excitement, knowing how vital it is for me to be both learning/receiving, while also holding space/offering.
And then the pandemic hit. And then racial justice movements. And then fires. And then my body said enough. Stop. Stop. All. Of. It. I took myself off of Facebook (14 years of history downloaded and then deleted). People I love and who love me went very far away. I became afraid of so many things. I gave in to my fears. Safety and survival became paramount. I stopped dancing. I STOPPED DANCING! I pulled out of the SOMM Professional Training path. While my body didn’t get the corona virus, my spirit definitely did. My spirit suffered and battled the virus for many months. It kept me isolated, growing relationships with television and film characters, making the same foods over and over, tensing my body and feeling pain, unsure how to find clean air or a safe place to move. Allowing my old social worker identity to pop out and be a social and racial justice warrior briefly. And then the virus got worse, and worse.
My perspective now is that my spirit acquired, suffered and ultimately died from the corona virus. It wasn’t until I actually allowed my spirit, that aspect of spirit or ego, to truly die, that there was space for transformation, new life, rebirth. I suspect that’s a feeling many people whose bodies didn’t acquire the corona virus felt the spiritual pain, suffering, ego death etc. My identity and ego became enmeshed with my political perspective and judgements, choking me slowly, and sometimes with vigor. Breathing and swallowing felt painful at times. Waking up exhausted after long periods of deep sleep.
My body was a mirror I didn’t like seeing or feeling. Spinal cord compressed from all the sitting and staring at screens. Brain lacked consistently clean oxygen to think clearly. A barrage of images and messages inciting fear and polarization. Creative drive diminished, and belly swelling from the spiral into menopause. The only physical touch, my own and infrequent.
Time moved in the background like mashed potato wallpaper, until the second week in October 2021 when I got a message from a dear friend and dancing colleague on the other side of the planet, they wrote,
“I miss you. I don’t believe you are not doing the PT with us.”
My reply, “OMG! Has it started?!”
Que mashed potato wallpaper churning (what Adam Grant of the NYT refers to as Languishing). Then a series of voice memos and videos
“Join us. It was the first lesson I’m sure you can join if you want.”
I responded with excuses while crying inside and out. I need to truly let that part of my spirit that got corona virus, die, so that the rest of me can live and find joy again. I miss joy, I miss deep connections, I miss the person I used to be before the pandemic. And the messages kept coming from that friend and others for a few days, until something shifted and some other aspect of spirit pulled me out of my way.
I’m saying spirit, and really I believe we are all connected, and spirit moves through each of us, uniting us. In this case spirit moved through my dear friends and reminded me of my true self, the part of me that is pure love and light and wants to give, receive and shine. That thing I was destined to do and be since birth.
“Am I too late? What say you?” I wrote to my Movement Medicine teacher and the administrator.
“Yes, yes you can join. Instructions to follow.”
So, dear readers, I’m back in the School of Movement Medicine Professional Training. My goal is to stay with the mystery and keep moving. I’m officially unstuck! I’ve never more profoundly felt the experience of actually getting out of my own way before now. Trading in relationships with television and film characters for the real life dear friends I had let go of, and the new friends on the way. Opening my arms to welcome all that is coming and those for whom my particular brand of Movement Medicine will be of benefit. Curious what my future clients and dare I say students might be expecting of me. Open to the mystery. Excited for what’s next.
*****
Let’s Talk….
Where are you stuck/in your own way?
What is your soul longing to do/be?
What voices are you fighting with/ignoring?
How can you shift your attention to take in more of the sights and sounds that are most closely connected with your soul’s true calling?
What song really gets you moving?
#getoutofyourownway
#removinglimitingbeliefs
#schoolofmovementmedicine