feeling sad, lonely and depressed

Even when I’m with people I sometimes feel sad, lonely or depressed. It just comes over me. Like a sneeze or an avalanche.  Craving connection in a very specific way that I convince myself is impossible to achieve, so I don’t speak up. I don’t ask for it. I collapse. Shoulders in, spine folds, head facing a screen.  

On some level I know it will pass and I just need to allow it, and on another level I am so frustrated that this is my lot on life. I’m one of these people that can’t stay on the surface. I can’t be content with superficiality.  I punish myself more internally when I notice I’m doing it and can’t wait to escape. Is it better/worse to be stuck on the surface or alone and sad? 

Sometimes when I’m in this place I instinctually start sending little red hearts to people I love, or have a beloved memory of. You may receive one of the random ❤️‘s, or just “Hi” and get a little jolt from me. This is my way of condensing the ocean of emotions and topics I want to swim in  with you and the universe and saying something like, “I’m out here, swimming in the deep end alone.” Sometimes is a cool backstroke, sometimes it’s a crawl, sometimes it’s treading water, sometimes I have a raft, and in truth I’m often on a luxury liner. 

My newest incantation:

I honor my past self with kind words and usher her into the future with grace and presence. 

Oh, the dance of transformation continues....