What does it all mean?

I had vivid dreams this morning that felt real and shook me awake. I felt myself being submerged underwater and then forcefully pulled. At first it was scary, and then it felt good. I realized that the person pulling me was a physical therapist and was yanking me toward healing. We were in some kind of tank where there was a strong force moving the water against my motion. Once I realized this was a healing modality, I felt great. I was breathing underwater (one of my favorite ways to be in dreams). I rolled my body in the strong waves, and felt some joy in non-weight bearing movement where I could use my entire body without pain. I somehow made it out of the tank and up a ramp where the therapists all seemed too busy to interact with me or even notice me. 

Next there are several scenes in a new apartment (I often dream of moving through new spaces seeking home). In my mind I kept repeating, “Where am I?” with some urgency. I went outside to look around and try to identify my location. I told myself I was in Oakland (but it wasn’t Oakland). I walked down and around a few blocks with some kind of fruit in my hands. I had a big strange hat on, and gave it to a man sitting on the sidewalk. There were a group of men speaking a language I understood, but it wasn’t English. They offered me some fruit that I declined (I think it must have been persimmon. I don’t care for persimmon). I offered them some of my fruit, which I think was something like grapefruit, which I love. They each took a piece and we sat together for a while. I felt like I could catch my breath and find ease for a few moments in the circle of these men. I started to think about my new life in this new location. 

Next I’m on a beach in an area that I’ve been to before in dreams, but not in waking life.  Winding paths, ocean around bends. Beautiful shades of blue, strong feeling of sun on my body. I am on a very high ledge in the sand and the ocean is a long drop below. Many people. Big waves in the distance. Focusing on surfers in the waves. A woman sitting nearby on a blanket (the exact blanket that I wrap myself in every day), beckons me to sit on the blanket. I go. I say something about the blanket and then call her attention to the waves and the surfers. 

Next, a woman falls from the sky over the cliff. I feel a rush of panic in my body. Fear running through the fascia. I lean forward to look, and feel my body start to slide down the ledge. The fear/pain is electric. 

Next I’m in a hotel room kind of room with a group of people, including the woman who fell from the sky. She is followed by two colorful ducks. I am held by a man that is pulling at my limbs. Thinking/feeling confusion. Thinking I have returned to a place near the tank. Feeling stuck and twisting. 

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What’s happening in my physical reality? My knee went back out of alignment on Monday. The last few days have sucked. I went back on the juice cleanse for a few days since I had a credit, didn’t feel like going to the grocery story or standing to prepare food in the kitchen. I will need to make groceries happen tomorrow. I had a strong sense that specific people in my life can help heal me. I urgently contacted them to set up appointments for care. Ended up not seeing any of them *yet*. In fact, one was on her way to my home this afternoon and her car overheated. I wonder what that means. What does all of this mean?

I started to write a piece about community, but my energy hasn’t been in alignment with the subject and it’s not coming out on the page the way I want to share, so you will have to wait a bit to read it. I also started writing about my frustrations, and decided not to post that here either. I don’t want to come off as a complainer. My grandmother’s motto was “Don’t complain and do your best.” Unfortunately my father adopted that motto, and it haunts me from time time. It implies I should just take the abuse. One of my father’s criticisms of me in his final weeks was that I was unsuccessful in maintaining romantic relationships because I was unwilling to take abuse. That also haunts me. More about those things another time. Wasn’t expecting them to pop out now, but there they are. 

I would be remiss if I did not mention my frustration about national politics, and the Stanford rape case decision. I have had the news on almost non-stop for the last several weeks, and it’s impacting my nervous system. I have not turned on the mainstream news today. I did see Obama’s and Sanders’ statements today. Obama sounds like a puppet. Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful to live in a country where I have freedom of speech and I can say that. I just wish I lived in a country with single payer health care and free higher education for everyone. If the Dems can get those two issues on their platform I will vote for Hillary, otherwise….I’m with with revolution.