Scar Tissue

The healer I’m working with is educating me about the importance of big open questions, left open so as not to limit the answers. I like that. Power in repeating the questions, and destroying any obstacles to a life full of ease, joy, and glory. She didn't know it, but during our session I was wearing a Ganesh under my many layers.  Pulling in energy from all traditions that show up. Today Ganesh wanted in. At one point in the process the healer said to me, “What’s right about this pain?” What I heard was “What’s WRITE about this pain?” It wasn’t a question to be answered at the time, but it made me smile and stayed with me. I know that a key to my healing is writing, writing the truth, and writing in public. For many months now I have heard my matrilineal ancestors saying to me “You need to do this, little girl.” And by this, they mean write my story, and do it exquisitely well. So writing here is a practice. Thank you for practicing with me, being some of the first to witness my truth, in written form, in public. I don’t promise to have any major revelations, or secret solutions, just my story. 

After my brother died, I got the clear message that I am grateful to be alive. Blessed. In those early days many things were said to me by many people wanting to be supportive. Someone said to me “You’ve got to dance while the sun is shining.” That stuck with me. It started as metaphor and became literal. It saved me from the depths of grief and depression.

Experienced conscious dancers who witness me on the floor, particularly in the mornings, witness my story, my truth, with every movement. My job now is to distill that story which I can tell so clearly with movement, into words. When I let the mind get out of the way, and let the body move, will my body move these fingers over these keys and let the story out with words? Can all obstacles be removed from making it so?

We will see….I only know now. And for some reason, now, I want to tell the story of an experience that happened in January of this year. I was at a dance workshop in Olympia *where a year before I had a major revelation and turning point + knee injury - story for another time*. We had been dancing for days, building momentum and community. We were doing a tribal exercise starting with two movers standing before the seated group.  They faced each other with several yards in between. They each made a repetitive movement and sound. Witnesses, as self-identified, got up behind each mover to form what appeared like two tribes facing each other, moving toward each other with repetitive motion and sound. When they met in the center, they would switch movement patterns and move back with the opposite tribe’s movement and sound. I’m simplifying the exercise for the sake of story.

Each workshop participant had the opportunity to lead a tribe, and be in a tribe. I didn’t feel like doing the exercise for some reason, and hadn’t gotten up at all. I am always reminded of the basic foundation teaching that has given me freedom within conscious dance - that the instructions are only suggestions, not requirements. I was exercising my right to not do. Until the teacher asked who hadn’t had a turn yet, and I coyly pointed to the teacher sitting next to me. She’s one of my favorite teachers, and I felt like I could play a little. She looked at me and said, “You know what you get when you do that?” And with that she got up and beckoned me to face her on the floor. Oh nervousness. I didn’t want to get up in the first place, didn’t have movement or sound I wanted to do, and now I was on the spot, with the teacher coming at me. I took a few deep breathes, and found myself moving into a warrior like stance, moving forward slowly, with a squinty face and fierce path of vision. Writing this now, I recall my intention at that moment was about being precise truth, balance and center. I don’t recall her motion or sound. As I started stepping toward with deep loud breathes, witnesses began to rise up to form my tribe. Within seconds, my knee popped and I was down on the floor. Everyone heard it. Everyone saw me fall. “Do you need ice?” No. I need to breathe. People came over to help. I asked for a little space, and popped it back into place. The teacher heard both the pop out and the pop in. A dear friend who has witnessed this before said to the worried teacher, “Yeah, it’s something that happens.” The teacher then said something like “And you’re going to get up and keep going?!?!” Yes-  I did just that. I got up and went right back to the exercise. Yes it hurt. It was excruciating when it happened, and all of the moments between pops. On to more dancing. End of story.

Over the last few years I have learned how to quickly heal my knee, and could always pop it back in, and be back to movement quickly.  I’m using these terms “pop” and “pop it back in” but I don’t really know what’s happening inside the knee, it’s just a feeling that I’ve become friends with over the years and we have found a way to live together. I have been spending a lot of time looking at 3D anatomy diagrams trying to get a mental picture of what’s going on in my knee. Learning where muscles attach to tendons, bone, fascia, nerves. Giving my brain something to work with. 

The current situation is a whole new animal. I’m collecting new medicines and healing techniques. Movement in my right knee over the last several days has felt like ripping open internal scar tissue.  I can feel blood moving, tissue becoming inflamed, shock waves of pain that radiate up to my shoulders, and down through my toes. I have also felt a lot of doubt, fear, anxiety, sadness, despair and separation. Emotional scars, some mine, some not. I am healing. 

My body absolutely does not want surgery, now or ever-again! This means really listening to my body, treating it like the temple that it is. Honoring it’s requests, and listening when it exudes pain, determining if it’s my pain or not. Clearing away what is not mine, and creating space for health, ease, joy, love and abundance.

Here’s what’s on my knee healing plan so far:

1. Ibuprofen - 600 mg 2 - 3 X day —more or less as needed for swelling
2. Tylenol - 500 mg as needed. Haven’t taken in a few days. The pain level is endurable
3. Arnica - started topical gel yesterday. Montana 30 - 6 pellets 1-2 X day
4. 3 days of organic juice cleanse - completed yesterday. Vegan + eggs otherwise
5. Self-Massage/reflexology - a lot
6. Yamuna balls in bed -  started three days ago, when I wake up and before sleep
7. Mini-exercise bike - started two days ago, 10 minutes
8. NOW Vegetarian Glucosamine MSM - started yesterday
9. Chocolate - dark with nuts
10. Access Consciousness statements - creating new pathways
11. Prayer - lots of talks with God/Spirits/The Universe
12. Sleep 
13. Power Chips - 2 magnets now adhered to my knee as of today
14. KenkoTherm Knee Wrap - far-Infrared technology 
15. Renu 28 ASEA Gel - really for skin, but expecting it to work it’s way into my system and help with rebuilding cells, considering adding Redox supplement to the mix. 
16. Healing energy - taking in all the healing energy that has been made available to me from all directions. Hands on and virtual. So grateful! Please keep your medicine bags open!