The attachments are tight. So tight they locked the muscles in place and transported quads and hams into a state of amnesia.  Memory coming back. Unsteady in the knee joint as muscle memory returns. How many years are we (mind/body/spirit) going back? 11? 21? 40? What’s the greatest healing possible for this wounded 46-year-old body? Can I transcend the wounds I’ve been carrying since the first ankle sprain? The first knee sprain? The first knee operation? The second knee operation? What blissful states await me once I sculpt gorgeous new scar tissue into a golden glowing monument to what’s possible? What is the most spacious state of grace possible for my body? What is the most blissful alignment available for optimal joy, abundance, love and longevity?

Answers not needed. Answers create limits. Leaving the questions open while asking for all obstacles to be removed. 

Getting clarity around the fact that my lack of core muscle strength is want has caused the overall misalignment which has led to injury after injury from the hips down. Because my core was not supporting my spine, my hips, knees, ankles and feet have been taking the weigh and suffering. In the last few weeks, my quads and hams have started to wake up from a slumber of only a few months. My pilates rehab has moved up into my core, and muscles in my abdomen have started to wake up from what has been a ten to twenty-year slumber. It’s been a fascinating process of reacquaintance with muscles that I have neglected for decades. I notice that when I engage them in dialog when walking I am able to take pressure off my hip and knee, and my leg starts moving in a way that feels entirely new and stable. I feel the top of my pelvis moving back so my femur can move into place. Quad attachments still tight and not trusting. Understandable. How can my quads trust that this new engagement with abs is for real? How can knee trust that core is strong and will hold leg with stability? I look at my body in reflections when walking past glass storefronts and see how my pelvis is pitched forward slightly, guarding. When I move with the flow of other walkers I sacrifice form and posture. I’m sacrificing my health so that I can keep up with someone else picture of health <——-dropping that pattern right now. This injury is forcing me to slow down, feel the ground with stability, be in the present moment as a person that is healing. Knowing that I need to heal. This is critical for me, and all around me. If I try to leap past what is in the present moment I disallow the muscles in my core that are eager to support me and want to wake up. 

I notice that as I work on my core, my digestive system also falls into alignment. Not sure how graphic I want to get here, so it might take a few posts before I’m comfortable with how to describe this. Let’s say, coffee has kept my process of elimination on track for years with a regular easy movement once a day. With the added ab strengthening work, I am experiencing twice the elimination naturally. It’s like my body is saying to me - FINALLY - WE CAN LET GO OF ALL THIS SHIT! 

Note: If you have tried Pilates and stopped because you experienced back pain, I’m here to tell you, you weren’t doing it properly. You were probably like me, and trying to keep up with the pace of the class instead of listening to your own body. I encourage anyone reading this who has a profound moment of truth about the state of your core (yes - look down at your belly NOW - pull your belly button to your spine, tail down, hold it - breathe - be honest with yourself), and a desire to be the best version of YOU, to sign yourself up NOW for a private Pilates session so that you get the direction you need for your body. Invest in you! If you think you can save a few bucks and just go to a class, go at YOUR pace, ask questions, get clarifications about doing it right. ‘Cuz here’s the thing - we all need to heal - not just me. When you heal, I heal, everyone around you heals. If it’s not about your core and Pilates isn’t right for you, really take a moment NOW and ask your body what it needs. Listen. Give you what you want/need. 

How's my knee? 

Getting much better. I’m not letting it hold me back. It’s still stiff when moving from sitting to standing and doesn’t like stairs. And I’m doing lots of PT, body work, natural anti-inflamatory focus. I’ve been going to dance. My dance has changed. A lot. It a whole new thing going on. Tantric. 

And when I listen to what my mind/body/spirit really wants - it wants to go to Burning Man. There is no question. I need to be there. In fact, I'm already there. I feel pulled, yanked by spirit. Body keeping it grounded. Mind doing the planning. Fire needs air, and so I must go. That is all I know for sure. Yes. So after four months of very careful tender care of me and my body, it is time to enter the big dusty unknown. Must. I feel bubbly inside writing this. I will be traveling there via RV with a crew I’ve never met, and already feel like family. I will be camping with RhythmWave, the place where the love, healing, and magic happens.  So grateful to feel this calling. I’m gathering the healing, love, and magic. Looking forward to sharing all that I have <3