It’s Dad’s birthday. He would have been 83 today. I started the day with a call to my Mom while driving to dance class. “Hi Mom. I just drove over the Golden Gate bridge and I'm about to go through the tunnel they named after Robin Williams.” I wanted to talk to my mom about my writing. My public writing. She saw one post, but didn’t really understand that she was looking at a blog, what a blog is, and that there would be more. A lot more. I explained that it’s a separate web site and gave her the address. She immediately started complimenting my writing and telling me that she loves me unconditionally. I explained that she may read things that will be surprising, shocking, or upsetting. I asked her to contact me directly rather than writing comments here. She said she’ll just click on like so I know she saw it, and then talk to me privately with any questions or concerns. I know there will be times when I write about family, I told her that my intention is to be honest and respectful. I don’t recall her exact words, but the tone was defensive. She kept saying how great my writing is and there’s nothing upsetting about anything I’ve written. EXACTLY! Up until now I’ve been cautious about what I put in public with my name on the by line. I don’t want to be cautious anymore. She was understanding and agreeable. Whew! A few more important conversations to have with family members before I feel safer and protected. I love my Mom unconditionally, and expect to have her continued support. My hope is that my truth won’t hurt her, or make her feel like she needs to fix things, and I know that it will and she will. I know that I can’t control her responses, and I don’t know what is’t like to be a mother. I’ve never had biological children. Theoretically my Mom is supportive and wants to know everything. At this point in my life I want peace and love. There have been times in the past where all I knew was upset and fighting. I like the current peace. I would like to keep it, and I’m aware that my telling of the truth will be freeing for me, and will cause discomfort for others. My hope is that my story will provide comfort, validation, support, and acknowledgement to people that know this journey and I can no longer keep that to myself. The possibility of helping others far outweighs the hurts it will surely cause.
On a lighter note….I went to the Open Floor (not sure how to refer to it exactly in writing yet - bear with me), which was amazing, and awakening. We did an exercise in groups of three where the person in the center was moving with a partner in front as beacon, and a partner in back as ancestry. We all got to be each role. I got to be my father’s ancestry. I got to be a beacon for a dear friend that is often a beacon for me. I got to feel my own desire to run and play with both. Realized how much I’ve been working with ancestry on the dance floor, and enjoy being a beacon. Feel my glow!
I put on my purple lipstick to honor my dad. He always wanted me to wear make up, wear form fitting clothes and look more girly in general. So much more to say about that. Will be in the book with bits here as well. Then I trotted off with one of my favorite humans for a girly day in the city. Lunch and a jaunt through the de Young. Life is good.