It’s like when you shake out the wrinkles from damp clothes before you hang them on the line to dry.
like when you shake out the sheets every morning
the skin suit snaps as arms
rise out and up
reaching to the limit of the
tips of fingers outstretched
toes pointed, all joints
in between relaxed.
flash of healing enters
Much on my mind. Not sure what to do here in this vulnerable space. Getting a lot of clarity on public versus private. Boundaries and so forth.
Right now, as I see it, my full-time job is to heal myself. Which includes many aspects, at this moment, the physical is taking control of the show, making me look at pain. The topic that really was a catalyst for me so many years ago…pain, pain ,pain. Back in 2007 I was a new home owner, in a stable government job, a dedicated public servant. Often naive. Easily led back to altruism. I wanted/want to believe in the system I am cast in, and being a cog in the social justice machine felt like the right role for me for a long time. Things shifted and work became hellish. I wanted to quit, but couldn’t. The market started to tank, people were being laid off in every sector, even government. I stayed employed during Gavin Newsom’s reign of across the board layoffs. I stayed employed through a subsequent series of layoffs that added stress to the folks left in seats, more and more people needing public assistance. Feeling my shoulders tensing as I write this, not wanting to get into details. The details are unimportant for right now ***shaking out the sheets*** Know that I was miserable, and started to have physical pain in my jaw. For weeks I couldn’t close my jaw. At one point the pain was so bad while I was stuck in traffic I called the closest oral surgeon I could google near the Gilman Street exit that was approaching. I wanted them to pull out my teeth. It was unbearable. They were closed. I left a message. Which then started a series of panicked calls to dentists and oral surgeons. I finally saw a dentist that gave me exercises to do, and also gave me a shot of novocaine. Novocaine was a mistake. That just added the trauma of an injection onto the already constant pain. Acupuncture gave me some temporary relief. I was working within given boundaries, and feeling myself suffer for it. I thought I needed to tough it out and stay with this challenging situation because it was a secure respectable job. I was suffering deeply, and I couldn’t imagine a solution. I had never been in this pain spot, and was questioning a lot of what I thought I knew. I was stifled. Breathing hurt.
At that time a friend was in town on her way to a meditation workshop at Esalen. She suggested I join her and her friends at the workshop, she said it might help. I’d never heard of Esalen, and I’d never meditated. I was taken aback at the suggestion at what would seem like a navel gazing waste of time and money to most people around me in my life up until then. I was going to pay to sit and do nothing? For three days? That sounded crazy to me.
I went. It changed my life. **Feeling of heart opening as I sit here and re-read these sentences**I am grateful for the pain, it led me on the search for faith and grace. I am conscious of the love and healing that is available at all times. I can see/know/sense/feel/experience how the choice is made to be witness. Being witness is such a relief. It feels like dropping a huge load of luggage. I started attending the weekly Insight Meditation group sits on Sunday nights at the Unitarian Church on Gough. It felt good for a long time. ….sigh….
On the immediate physical plane, I am healing. I walked today with full leg brace at zero degrees, and no crutches. Getting the rest of the body to stand up straight and recall the motions while I work on rebuilding the muscles and tendons in my leg. Lateral movements unstable. Improvement spikes every day. And for someone who gets easily bored, I’m challenged to stay still, this really is a challenge. I have to block everything else out. I asked the surgeon for a PT referral, which he gave me. He also tried to talk me into surgery. I want to have a repeat MRI in a few weeks to look at the change myself. I know I can heal this moment. I want to know that I can build strong tissue to support longevity in this body. Seeing these internal images and learning about anatomy is helping me guide some of the healing. When I can get my brain occupied and my body warmed up, I find my bones want to work themselves out. Today I added in a lot of shaking medicine. Grateful for the guidance my hands have been granted. So grateful.
Thursday, May 5, 2016 - update
Just had a chat with young spirit daughter in Asheville. She was just diagnosed with arthritis, and is doing lots of research on natural knee healing. She's all about comfrey, which I will look into today. I have been thinking about her for different reasons, and then she showed up. I love it when the universe works that way. I tried out using a menstrual cup over the last few days, which has been an interesting journey. I can't believe how out of touch I have been/allowed myself to be with my menstrual blood. It has been something to hide, wrap up, quickly dispose of. Why has that been the societal ethos of my life experience up until now? Why is the knowledge base different for her? At 25, my Asheville daughter has a much broader view of the body and all it’s contents and cures than I did at that age. I am in awe of her. She is wise. She is funny. She is strong. She is beautiful. I love her madly. Grateful she chose me.